Kicking Nice Out of the Cockpit

At Times, Nice Can Dangerous

Aerial images were part of many of my assignments during my career at National Geographic. Before the advent of drones, we regularly hired helicopters or small planes.

While working on a story about Cape Cod, I contacted a small flight company and hired a pilot to do some late day aerials.

Shortly after take-off from Provincetown, I heard the pilot mumble something that no passenger wants to hear.

“Oh dear.”

My forehead rolled up like a levolor blind as I tried to be polite.

“Oh dear, what?”

He sighed. “I forgot to gas up the plane before we took off.”

Every hair on my body snapped to attention.

“So, how much gas do you have?”

“Not much.”

I come from a family of pilots, so I know how to read a fuel gauge. I leaned over to confirm that we had less than a quarter tank. Clouds were closing in around us. We needed to land.

The next Oh dear became an Oh shit! as he confessed that he was not instrument rated, so couldn’t navigate back through the clouds that were swallowing the airport in Provincetown.

At that point, the need to survive kicked courtesy right out of the cockpit. I am slow to blow, but capable of Vesuvius.

I spotted a small break in the clouds over a beach, pointed, and commanded,

“Land this plane! There! Now!”

To which Captain Incompetent whined,

“But I’ve never landed on a beach before.”

I turned on him like a Silverback and snapped,

“Neither have I! LAND THIS PLANE NOW!”

Sunbathers scattered as we flew low over the beach and finally came to a lumpy landing. Within minutes we heard the sirens of police and fire crews rushing to see what could have caused a plane to land on a public beach in Cape Cod.

I grabbed my camera gear and scrambled out of the plane. As I headed toward the approaching police cars, I heard the idiot pilot shout,

“We made it!”

To my horror, he rushed toward me with open arms.

I turned and hissed,

“Don’t you dare touch me!”

The local FAA assured me that this wingnut would never fly again.

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